Baby Blues: I Miss Being Pregnant

I wanted to share a little heart to heart, because I’ve been struggling with these feelings for the past three weeks.

I love my baby more than life itself. I can’t even describe in words how that feels. About three days after my csection, I started feeling a little sad, but it wasn’t till I arrived home from the hospital that it became full blown depression and sadness that I felt so overwhelmed in feelings that I recognised as grief, that I didn’t understand why. Of course, it was the huge shift of hormones causing baby blues, but the thing is, it makes you react very differently to situations that you normally may not feel as sad about.

The biggest sadness was I missed being pregnant. That did not mean I didn’t love my baby, I had trouble bonding, or I was tired from any of the responsibilities. In fact, I loved it all, even breastfeeding. I woke up at nights wanting to see my baby, and I loved holding him so very much. I bonded so well with him! I know a lot of people say they feel depressed, resent their babies and such, but for me, it was the opposite. I loved my baby too much that it hurt.

The thing was, during pregnancy, I remember just wishing he would come, so that all my worries would go away, but now that I think about it, I was just way too naive. Now, I sit here, looking at my tiny baby and his fragile little hands, and I just imagine all these horrible things potentially happening to him, such as injuries and not being able to keep him safe, and I just start to cry, because I feel so helpless. At first, I couldn’t stop worrying. I didn’t trust myself, I was so afraid that I would somehow injury my precious baby because every part of him felt so soft and delicate.

I missed being pregnant so very much that it felt empty. My round belly with cute little kicks, prods and hiccups is now stretchy and empty. I felt empty because of it, as if I lost something very special. It was such an unique feeling that I could never forget it, your baby moving inside you. I felt that he was no longer protected as well, that he’s now in a big bad world and I couldn’t be with him 24 hours a day, all the time. I just felt so lost and sad. I longed to feel those little kicks and sometimes, I may get a twitch in my belly which somehow reminds me of his kicks and I get reminded and feel so very sad again.

I thought I was just crazy feeling this because I know that even days before the csection, I was just so excited and it never occurred to me that I would miss it so much. I love having him with me, and the only thing that would console me was holding him. I remember during the first two weeks, I would get depressed if he slept for a long period and I wasn’t holding him. As time went on, I slowly felt better, but it truly felt like forever before I even remotely felt excited about things again.

After the first week, I started getting intense waves of sadness during the evenings. I think perhaps it’s to do with feeling tired by 5pm, worrying about him during the night that really exacerbated the feelings. I remember being quite fine during the day and suddenly getting severely depressed as soon as 5pm hit. I tried my best to take my mind off thinking about it during the day by focusing on taking photos of little Lucas, editing them and posting them. That really made me feel better. I also watched shows and such. I think it’s when I’m not doing anything that my mind just struggles with these worries.

I also started taking some salmon Omega 3 fish oil which seem to be helping. I take two daily and since then it seemed to have gotten better, though it may also have to do with time.

Despite missing being pregnant, I am in some ways glad I don’t have to worry about things like stillbirth anymore, or bleeding. I now worry about keeping my little man safe and I’m gaining more confidence as each day passes. I’m so grateful to be learning so much and with all the support here in Australia, such as the midwives and nurse home visits, I truly do feel like I’m in good hands. That reminds me, I started feeling so much better after my first two visits from the midwife. I just felt that someone was coming to my deserted island with a rescue boat and while they’re not taking me off the island (as in they can’t keep my baby safe forever), they are at least able to bring me some food.

Lavender Boho Blossom Playdress Maternity Photoshoot

Yesterday, we had the pleasure of driving to Lake Moogerah, which was about an hour distance from where we live. It was a beautiful location, perfect place to take photos!

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Outfit: Lavender Boho Blossom Playdress – Spell Designs

Jewellery: Krystal Hand Harness – Shop DIXI

I had the pleasure of going to Moogerah yesterday, the only downside was it was so hot, like 40C temperature, so I didn’t really feel like walking far to take a lot of photos and a lot of them were rushed. I would love to go back to this beautiful lake to take more photos one day!

Lavender Boho Blossom Playdress Maternity Photoshoot

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It’s been a while since we actually went to a really beautiful location like this to take photos, and I have missed it so much. I am so passionate about doing things like this, taking a stack of photos and spending about a day or two in front of the computer just processing them on Photoshop. It’s the most fulfilling thing ever, and I hope I get to go to many more places to take photos like these.

If you’d like me to help you take or edit photos, or want to collaborate, contact me.

34 Weeks Pregnant

34 weeks today, just 3 more weeks until he’s full term. Let the countdown begin!

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It feels so good to hit 34 weeks, because I keep reading that 34 weeks is a goal to get to for those anxious about their pregnancies, because at 34 weeks, the survival rate is really high with low risks of long term health effects, and the baby almost has good enough lungs for the outside world! I am so ecstatic to get here, and here are my summary for this week.

Antenatal Appointment

Just got back from the Mater Mother’s Hospital for my 34th week antenatal appointment. My belly grew a whole three centimetres since last time, I am just so happy for that, it’s going very normally! I really need to fill out my birthing options that the midwife gave me.

I learned a few things about pain relief for labour. The nitrous oxide gas is this gas you breathe in during contractions that can help take the edge off the pain. You can try it and stop any time, though it can make people nauseous, and your mouth dry. The narcotic intramuscular injection is a needle to your thighs that also helps with pain relief. It doesn’t get rid of it, but can help. You can also ask for anti-nausea medicine while you’re on those. The epidural is something I think most of us have heard of, it numbs the whole area, so there’s no pain at all, but may slow down labour and you may need instruments to get the baby out. Finally, the sterile water injections help if a baby’s posterior and pressing on your spine which can cause additional pain.

So I’ve been given homework! Gotta pack my hospital bag and get another blood test before 36 weeks.

Baby Movements

I can certainly feel that the baby has gained a lot of weight because he moves full force now. I can feel this big rumble, the entire stomach rolls and moves now, and I can feel it strong. I love knowing that he’s fattening up in there! I am noticing periods of the day and night when he’s very still, and even now, it still freaks me out! But he’s a really good boy and always moves for me after he takes a nice big sleep!

It’s so cute the other weekend, I went to the cinemas to watch The Last: Naruto the Movie (amazing movie), and there was so many loud battle sounds, which baby kept moving non-stop. I don’t think he was pleased with the world ending sounds, it was so cute!

Back and Leg Pain

This is probably the newest symptom I got, that took over most other symptoms this week.

I am pretty sure what I have is called sciatica, because it fits the description better than anything else. It’s a pain that starts around the buttocks, sometimes a little higher, but only on the right side. The pain shoots down the right leg, not all the way to the calf, but through the thighs. It affects me most when I turn and toss in bed, standing up, walking and using my legs in any way, and the worst of it is usually if I have to lean on the bag leg. I would say the pain shoots down from the buttocks all the way to the thighs.

I’ve stopped my usual walk, but I still walk as I can and waddle around like a big fat duck, and look like a invalid limp, LOL! It’s been so adventurous.

I kept thinking about how this pain reminds me of trimester one symptoms where it’s hard to walk, move, bend and such, but how much better in the mind I feel. During the first trimester, I bled and I was constantly frantic, scared, and I never had a single day where I enjoyed the pregnancy, because I was always so afraid. Now, even though this back pain makes it just as difficult to move, I just feel so happy knowing that it’s a normal symptom and doesn’t (or shouldn’t) affect the baby.

When I saw the midwife today, she told me it could be that the baby’s position is compressing a nerve.

Braxton Hicks Contractions

Holy smackin’ are they strong now, and happening more frequently than before. I can definitely tell when they are present because I almost feel out of breath and there’s this mild uncomfortable tightness around my entire belly, sometimes only on the right though.

At 34 weeks, they do freak me out less because previously, I wasn’t sure if they were real or not!

33 Weeks Pregnant

Yay, I am 33 weeks pregnant! I am so darn excited as each week passes.

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(Dress from Tree of Life)

I really do regret not taking weekly bump photos when I was in my first and second trimester. I was bleeding and never felt like taking photos because I was so afraid every single day if something was going to go wrong. If I could turn back time, I would’ve taken photos regardless.

Backache

The backache has officially started. Previously, I got it when I spent a day out walking, but it started around the afternoon two days ago. It’s like a muscle pain that you want to punch, though I’m a little afraid to punch my back cos I don’t want the bubba to be alarmed.

It does make me limp a bit but I actually find that walking, despite it can be painful, helps a lot, because when you are used to walking, you can just deal with the pain more. It helps also when the whole weight of my body is not on one side. It seems like this back pain is only on my right side, which also affects my right legs.

Everything Smells Good

In the beginning of the pregnancy, everything smelled bad. Now, I swear that I find all kinds of things smell good, especially fragrances. I was like obsessed with sniffing the Lush Herbalism facial wash the other day, even cleaning soaps and toothpaste smells good, which kind of seems a little freaky cos I’m not used to things smelling good!

Hunger and Morning Sickness

I’ve had intense hunger in the first half of the week, but it has tampered off a little since, the morning sickness goes hand in hand with the hunger. Perhaps the baby went through a big growth spurt!

Braxton Hicks Contractions

I’ve gotten so many braxton hicks this week that sometimes, they make me nervous, particularly on the day I went out and possibly didn’t drink as much water as usual, and also the other day when I got really stressed.

Sometimes, it can be a little painful, as in crampy, but luckily they went away. I was getting them every 5 minutes or so at one stage at night.

I’m not sure if others get this, I also get like an odd, out of breath almost sensation but it feels like it’s originated in the heart, rather than throat.

Food and Indigestion

Currently, I love eating pan fried tofu in sesame oil, then making a sauce out of Nasi Goreng paste, with some red chili pepper and other spices, and dip the tofu in! Mmm, it is so amazing! I also love eating chicken breast cooked with onions in soy sauce, water and spices, then cooked with an egg.

I’ve been getting bad indigestion this week, as in I almost feel myself burping things up when I eat it too quick or if I drink water right after a meal, so I always wait 2 hours or more before drinking any liquids after a meal.

Baby Movements

I think he may have moved positions a little because when he kicked me in the past two or three days, it’s often felt in the middle of the stomach, above the belly button. Usually, it’s on the left side, but perhaps he shifted. I hope he’s getting ready to go in a good head down position!

He’s moving, rolling and tapping a lot, sometimes it feels like he never stops! But at night, he can be a little quiet whenever I wake up at let’s say, 2am in the morning. It does freak me out a little when it feels completely still, but he does start kicking after 30 minutes or so.

How I’m Feeling Currently

I am so darn excited that I am just wishing the weeks away, I am still in disbelief, that this actually happened. I crave holding my baby and I don’t think I ever want to put him down. Honestly, I don’t even remember how my body felt before pregnancy, I just want to meet this baby already!

32 Weeks Pregnant

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Wow, I am 32 weeks, officially 2 months until the due date. I can’t believe it!

Even though I could say that time is flying, I still complain about why the heck it’s so slow. Darn it I just want to meet my baby already! But before then, I still have so many things to do. Here’s the latest updates for how I’m doing and all my current symptoms.

Current Weight Gain

Erm, well, I am like 65kg the last time I checked. I used to be around 47kg, so yeah – I’ve put on quite a lot of weight. This is like the first time in my life I actually put on weight, so it’s so fascinating in a way.

Food & Morning Sickness

Lately, I’ve been getting a little bit of the morning sickness back, I lost it for about 10 weeks, almost completely, and now it comes in a slightly different form. During the first trimester, I got nauseous at smells the most, or the taste of food, but now, I am nauseous whenever I’m not eating, like when I know I feel hungry, I get nauseous. It happens often after I eat as well, but it has nothing to do with the taste of the food. I quite enjoy all foods now actually, whereas in the beginning, all greens made me feel sick. I would say the baby is starting his big growth spurt and is growing some meat, and needs more food these days!

I’ve been eating quite a lot of chicken breast lately, and eggs. I also have salmon fish, and firm tofu. I eat brown rice mixed with a little white rice almost every day, that’s the only thing that seem to fill me for a while.

My current obsession with eating greens is to mix the baby lettuce, spinach, rocket, and other leaves you buy in a packet in with some cherry tomatoes and cucumber slices, then whack a tonne of Tabasco sauce and a sprinkle of salt. Mmm, so delicious! Though if I gave myself this recipe 4 months ago, I would of thought, “what kind of evil scheme am I up to to poison myself with things that make me feel utterly sick!” Haha!

I’ve also began to drink red raspberry tea for the great benefits that many people/websites have said.

Baby Movements

Baby’s movements have changed a little, they feel like little rolls, tumbles and soft pokes, before it was more the tapping kind of feeling. It does feel like he’s running out of room, poor little thing! I hope he doesn’t get squished.

There was an instance last night that I knew he woke up from the nap because of a bump. I need to start getting used to the fact that I’m no longer a thin little chap, but a fat blob because I was trying to come in the door and my stomach accidentally bumped it. Then, I felt him move around a little. OOPS, sorry little guy!

Another thing I noticed, he moves around crazily at night, around 9pm when I’m in bed. I love that he now makes my entire belly move like crazy. I enjoy every minute of it, I seriously don’t think I have ever taken my hand off my belly while he’s having a little workout! It’s fascinating to feel, no matter how often he does it. I can never get enough of that movement.

He’s also been having bouts of hiccups that last almost 10-15 minutes at times, like sometimes twice a day, sometimes once a day. It is so freaking adorable! It’s like my stomach is hiccuping.

How I am Currently Feeling

Physically, I am feeling so amazing. No aches and pains yet, except when I stupidly tripped on the grass and sprained my ankle, luckily I did not at all bump my stomach.

I still get that very sore sensation in my belly after a big meal or that I’ve eaten too much watery stuff. That happens often at the end of the day, and I usually just take turns lying on my left and right sides to ease it a little. It usually goes away in the morning until I feed (stuff) my face again.

My energy levels are great if I have 8 or more hours of sleep at night, but anything less makes me moody and sometimes, dizzy and more nauseous. I get headaches if I sleep 6 hours or less, and sometimes it feels as if I can’t really stand or breathe well. On days I get a good sleep, I always feel tired after my lunch at around 1-2pm, so I sometimes take a nap in the afternoon.

Mentally, I am getting more and more excited, like seriously excited. I’m finally past all the fear and panic, or most of it anyway, I mean, I go to the loo and I STILL check, after all this time, for blood, because somehow I always have this tendency at the back of my mind, but at the same time I no longer feel that awful terror I used to feel at the beginning of the pregnancy.

I am so ready to meet this baby, just let the last two months go past already. I still love to spend the night before hitting a full week (eg 31 weeks and 6 days) reading up every article I could find on “32 weeks pregnant” on google, just so I can see how baby’s developing. It’s my favourite thing to do at night!

Belly Growth

OMG the other day, like 3 days before this, I SWEAR that my belly suddenly got bigger in one day. It’s always hard to tell that anything is changing cos I see my belly each day, but that day, I was just looking down and thinking, “I don’t remember being this big before.” Well, this is so exciting. Keep growing, baby.

I am also noticing quite a lot of braxton hicks at nights, and sometimes during the day as well. I can often feel a very tight, pulling sensation, it doesn’t hurt but sometimes can be a little uncomfortable or nerving, but it goes away very fast. I do get them quite a few times in a row, and then it stops.

Physical Activities I’m Doing

Right now, I’m taking an afternoon walk each day around 5-6pm, that’s the coolest time as it’s summer now in Australia.

I try and walk about 30 minutes but sometimes, it’s hard because I need to pee so often. It’s hilarious that the other day, I got to the end of my street and walked back because I didn’t want to walk another 25 minutes with the feeling of needing to pee, so I walked home again. Hey, at least I am exercising, right?

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