I wanted to share a little heart to heart, because I’ve been struggling with these feelings for the past three weeks.
I love my baby more than life itself. I can’t even describe in words how that feels. About three days after my csection, I started feeling a little sad, but it wasn’t till I arrived home from the hospital that it became full blown depression and sadness that I felt so overwhelmed in feelings that I recognised as grief, that I didn’t understand why. Of course, it was the huge shift of hormones causing baby blues, but the thing is, it makes you react very differently to situations that you normally may not feel as sad about.
The biggest sadness was I missed being pregnant. That did not mean I didn’t love my baby, I had trouble bonding, or I was tired from any of the responsibilities. In fact, I loved it all, even breastfeeding. I woke up at nights wanting to see my baby, and I loved holding him so very much. I bonded so well with him! I know a lot of people say they feel depressed, resent their babies and such, but for me, it was the opposite. I loved my baby too much that it hurt.
The thing was, during pregnancy, I remember just wishing he would come, so that all my worries would go away, but now that I think about it, I was just way too naive. Now, I sit here, looking at my tiny baby and his fragile little hands, and I just imagine all these horrible things potentially happening to him, such as injuries and not being able to keep him safe, and I just start to cry, because I feel so helpless. At first, I couldn’t stop worrying. I didn’t trust myself, I was so afraid that I would somehow injury my precious baby because every part of him felt so soft and delicate.
I missed being pregnant so very much that it felt empty. My round belly with cute little kicks, prods and hiccups is now stretchy and empty. I felt empty because of it, as if I lost something very special. It was such an unique feeling that I could never forget it, your baby moving inside you. I felt that he was no longer protected as well, that he’s now in a big bad world and I couldn’t be with him 24 hours a day, all the time. I just felt so lost and sad. I longed to feel those little kicks and sometimes, I may get a twitch in my belly which somehow reminds me of his kicks and I get reminded and feel so very sad again.
I thought I was just crazy feeling this because I know that even days before the csection, I was just so excited and it never occurred to me that I would miss it so much. I love having him with me, and the only thing that would console me was holding him. I remember during the first two weeks, I would get depressed if he slept for a long period and I wasn’t holding him. As time went on, I slowly felt better, but it truly felt like forever before I even remotely felt excited about things again.
After the first week, I started getting intense waves of sadness during the evenings. I think perhaps it’s to do with feeling tired by 5pm, worrying about him during the night that really exacerbated the feelings. I remember being quite fine during the day and suddenly getting severely depressed as soon as 5pm hit. I tried my best to take my mind off thinking about it during the day by focusing on taking photos of little Lucas, editing them and posting them. That really made me feel better. I also watched shows and such. I think it’s when I’m not doing anything that my mind just struggles with these worries.
I also started taking some salmon Omega 3 fish oil which seem to be helping. I take two daily and since then it seemed to have gotten better, though it may also have to do with time.
Despite missing being pregnant, I am in some ways glad I don’t have to worry about things like stillbirth anymore, or bleeding. I now worry about keeping my little man safe and I’m gaining more confidence as each day passes. I’m so grateful to be learning so much and with all the support here in Australia, such as the midwives and nurse home visits, I truly do feel like I’m in good hands. That reminds me, I started feeling so much better after my first two visits from the midwife. I just felt that someone was coming to my deserted island with a rescue boat and while they’re not taking me off the island (as in they can’t keep my baby safe forever), they are at least able to bring me some food.